| Facepalms and awkward air kisses — try to Trump that | What a week.
If Donald Trump had abseiled into the Q Arena at the end of the Republican National Convention on a flaming rope, back-flipped onto the stage, started belting out We Are the Champions in perfect tune and confessed that his campaign had actually been a reality TV show in which we had all played a part, would anyone have been surprised?
Nope.
Anti-Trump delegate from Virginia, Beau Correll: "What this has really turned out to be is ... a scripted television show and we're all props. It's not a political convention. This is a TV show."
It has been one of those weeks in journalism when the so-called "story" has continued to escalate to ever more extraordinary levels, to the point where even the most utterly strange goings-on start to seem mundane.
And it's far from over folks, we still have a presidential campaign to survive, because remember, although this is unfolding like House of Cards we're talking about the actual election of the leader of the free world here.
A potential first lady and a plagiarised speech, a tribe of furious grassroots delegates denied the chance to voice their opposition to the candidate, a parade of profoundly negative speakers forecasting doom and denouncing Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama on everything from immigration to terrorism to economy and trade, a whole lot of missing senior Republicans and a former rival who calmly refused to endorse the chosen one and was booed off the stage while his wife was escorted out by security for her own safety.
And after that political earthquake, Ted Cruz followed it up the next day with this: "I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and attack my father. And that pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and slander and attack Heidi, that I'm gong to come like a servile puppy dog and say, 'thank you very much for maligning my wife and maligning my father'."
Phew.
I think we can assume that Mr Trump pushed Mr Cruz a little hard during the brutal primaries campaign when he dubbed the Texan 'Lyin' Ted', called his wife Heidi ugly and intimated that his father may have been linked to the assassination of JFK.
Just for the record Cruz also called Trump a pathological liar and a narcissist among other choice insults, and although he did indicate he would support The Donald if he won the nomination, he changed his mind.
Meanwhile, the Republican leadership is still claiming there's unity.
Yes, really.
However, methinks this delegate from South Dakota pretty much sums up the Republican week.
South Carolina Lt Governor Henry McMaster also nailed the prevailing Republican mood with this depressing comment about the state of the nation under the Democrats:
"Weakness, decline and ultimately chaos and oblivion. We feel an eerie unease."
It was hardly an inspiring convention partly because much of it was about attacking Hillary rather than celebrating Donald.
Several speakers whipped the crowd into a frenzy over the former Secretary of State's email scandal, her handling of the attack on the US diplomatic compound in Benghazi and her general legacy as a partner in crime with Barack Obama.
Former Trump rival Governor Chris Christie turned the crowd into a type of jury.
'Guilty or not guilty?' he asked.
'Lock her up, lock her up!' the crowd replied.
One Trump campaign advisor is under investigation by the FBI after saying Mrs Clinton should be shot for treason.
Uh huh.
And right wing radio host Laura Ingraham, who, it has to be said, is a brilliant speaker and had the crowd in the palm of her hand during her appearance, appeared to finish with a Nazi salute but then turned it into a queenly wave.
Friends, hold on to your many and varied RNC hats and read on for your bumper weekly wrap!
MOST BIZARRE MOMENT
Too many to count, right? It was worth a try.
3rd Place: Twilight Sparkle
After Melania Trump was accused of plagiarising part of her speech from Michelle Obama, RNC communications director Sean Spicer did the cable network rounds to defend the potential future first lady. Part of his defence was to quote Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony. Seriously.
2nd Place: Cruzified
Ted Cruz took to the stage and instead of finally endorsing Donald Trump he did almost the opposite, urging delegates to vote with their conscience.
In further proof that he's the king when it comes to monopolising prime time TV, Trump appeared at just the right moment causing the boos to be drowned out with cheers.
Then, the lights began to flicker and the jumbotron faltered, causing an eerily symbolic moment.
1st Place: Sealed with a kiss
Donald Trump coming out on stage and giving his running mate what appears to be an air kiss? Mike Pence, by the way, is profoundly conservative. Awkward. (I can't watch.)
MOST VICIOUS ATTACK ON HILLARY CLINTON
As discussed above, it was meant to be a week to celebrate the victory of Donald Trump and to map out the vision of the conservative movement.
But more often it descended into an outright attack on Hillary Clinton, her character and her values.
The Clinton campaign isn't ignoring the criticism and has launched a Facebook app that superimposes Trump insults onto your own pictures — if that's what you're into.
These were the most outrageous attacks on the presumptive Democratic nominee:
3rd Place: Ben Carson
The former presidential hopeful spoke on Tuesday night and dropped a bizarre rhetorical question in which he intimated that Hillary Clinton was just a couple of degrees away from Lucifer: "Are we willing to elect as president someone who has as their role model somebody who acknowledges Lucifer?"
2nd Place: Scott Walker
"If she was any more on the inside, she'd be in prison," said the Wisconsin Governor, which was met with chants of "lock her up" from the crowd.
1st Place: Chris Christie
That call and return of "guilty" and "not guilty" really got the delegates going. Perhaps the next Attorney-General, folks.
BEST DRESSED
Sure, the RNC Convention has been all about Donald Trump but there are also thousands of delegates, many of whom did their darnedest to stand out from the crowd.
3rd Place: Barbara Finger, delegate from Wisconsin
She wore a block of cheese on her head. Enough said.
2nd Place: The Texas Delegation
10 points for maximum coordination. These guys and gals kit out in matching Lone Star shirts, blue jeans and cowboy boots and wave their cowboy hats in the air like they just don't care.
It's a Texan tradition and one that definitely turned heads in Cleveland but it comes at a price. Yep, more than $30,000 to kit out the 300+ person delegation.
1st Place: Mike McMullen - Delegate from Pennsylvania
I'm partial to Mike, a delegate I met on Monday this week, who makes a point of representing his region by kitting out in sports gear from any number of the teams from his hometown, Pittsburgh.
He also wears a coal miner's hat to represent the blue-collar workers from his region.
Mike takes home gold though because his "terrible towel" caught the attention of House Speaker Paul Ryan. Well played, Mike.
BEST MERCH
Some delegates had been on the Trump Train for months but the convention is the final chance for folks to get in line with the presumptive nominee.
Sure, casting a vote is one way to show unity but so too is buying merch and there was no shortage of that with vendors playing off the patriotism and consumerism of attendees.
3rd Place: Making Needlepoint Great Again
A real throwback skill and a perfect distraction from ongoing party turmoil and questions about party unity.
2nd Place: Trump cufflinks
Imagine looking down at your wrists everyday to see these babies staring back at you. The hair is perfect and the pout is perfection. A real treat.
1st Place: Etch-a-Sketch Trump
Painstakingly etched over hundreds of hours, this piece of art gets points for nostalgia while also pointing to a future Trump presidency. There's a great pun in there about political systems and shaking them up. If you love it and want a custom sketched piece, you better have a few thousand dollars lying around.
MOST CREATIVE PROTEST
Thousands descended on Cleveland to protest the nomination of Donald Trump. While many predicted widespread violence, security was top-notch and the event went off with minimal trouble. However, many protesters came with a specific message. These guys did it the best:
3rd Place: Code Pink - Beauty Pageant
A "beauty pageant" in Cleveland's Public Square MC'd by who else but a giant-head Donald Trump carrying bags of money. Whacky.
2nd Place: Wall Off Trump
A direct response to Donald Trump's flagship policy position: building a 10-foot wall on America's southern border to Mexico. These guys dressed as a human wall and stretched out in an attempt to build a wall around Trump himself. They didn't actually reach the goal but the thought was there.
1st Place: Gas Bags
Who said toilet humour was dead? Chris Hume is selling these whoopee cushions printed with Donald Trump's face to raise money for vulnerable down-ticket races. Chris explains the idea and gets first place for his perfect explanation: "You hear him talk and you just want to sit on his face - then it's like hearing his speeches". Ouch.
BEST OF THE INTERNET
3rd Place
In the wake of Day 1's plagiarism scandal, which revealed that part of Mrs. Trump's speech was copied from Mrs. Obama's 2008 effort, there were memes aplenty. Thanks to Rick Astley, this one is our pick.
2nd Place
Talk radio host Laura Ingraham drew comparisons to Nazi Germany when she appeared to briefly give a Hitler salute during her Day 3 speech. Wags suggested she might find a place in Donald Trump's White House, while supporters said she should run for office herself.
1st Place
Copying the test. Sorry, Melania. It's you again:
THE SERIOUS WRAP OF THE WRAP
Ok, serious hat back on for a second ...
Don't assume that all of this will be negative for Mr Trump.
As we've seen time and again, his support tends to spike when he's under the most pressure. Media and pundit criticism of Melania's speech will be read as an attack by the elites.
Likewise, the lack of endorsement from Ted Cruz may well benefit Mr Trump as his supporters consolidate behind him to counter what will be read as an insurgent attack. He's going to need it though.
Usually conventions are used as a way to celebrate a candidate and boost their poll numbers, but this one has been anything but conventional.
Put simply, his opponents want some meat on the bones of his popularity to prove that he can actually be presidential when it comes to the crunch.
As for Senator Cruz, although he's getting some serious blowback from Trump supporters and Republican diehards, some will appreciate him sticking to his guns and not relinquishing his principles by flipping to endorse a man he can't stand for the sake of the Grand Old Party (as others have).
One caveat, he's also protecting his political capital against a Trump disaster because Mr Cruz still has his own longer-term presidential aspirations.
As for what this means for Hillary, well you can assume that the Democrats were sitting back and loving the show this week with so much dysfunction and division on open display. And they didn't even have to do anything!
Next week looks downright boring by comparison, but hey, as we continue to learn the hard way, anything can always happen and usually does!
Talk to you next week from Philly!
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